For the Love That Deserved Better: I’m Becoming Ready Now

A Healing Avoidant Reflection

There’s a kind of love that leaves a mark — not because it stayed, but because it showed you everything you weren’t yet ready to give. I’ve carried one of those loves. The kind that deserved more than I could offer at the time. The kind that forced me to confront not just what I lost, but why I lost it.

This isn’t a story about waiting for someone to return. It’s a story about becoming ready — not for the past, but for whatever God has planned next.

Practicing Connection Without a Relationship

I haven’t entered a new relationship — or been able to restore the one God used to break me open — and in an unfortunate way, it’s been one of the biggest blessings. Because it’s given me space to strip away the layers of self-protection I used to mistake for strength. It's helped me see the difference between isolation and solitude. And it’s brought me face to face with a God who doesn’t need me to perform — only to surrender.

I used to think I had to wait for love. Now I know God is preparing me for it.

Just because I’m not dating doesn’t mean I’m not building intimacy. It’s in the quiet moments of journaling instead of numbing. In the way I show up differently for my boys. In the deeper conversations I have with my sister. In how I listen more and defend less.

It’s in the apologies I’ve written — even in moments when doors were closed and silence answered back. Apologies that carried no expectation of being received, but were still laced with accountability, truth, and a heart finally ready to own the wreckage. I’ve poured out more than 100,000 words in journals — some for God, some for ghosts (a little teaser for my podcast and song launch coming soon)— because I needed to speak even when no one was listening.

And maybe that’s the most honest connection I’ve ever made — the one where I stopped performing and started confessing.

Faith in the Waiting

There’s a verse I keep coming back to:

“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her.” — Hosea 2:14

That wilderness? It’s where I’ve been. And it’s where God has been whispering things I needed to hear before I ever try to love someone again.

He’s been teaching me to stop gripping the pen so tightly — and let Him write the story. And even though I don’t know what the next chapter holds, I know this: I want the next love I give to be honest, whole, and free of fear. Not perfect — but real. Rooted in truth. Anchored in Him.

If You’re Still in the Becoming…

Maybe you’re here too — in the “not yet.” In the undoing. In the rebuilding. I want you to know something: your healing matters even before someone else sees it.

This season isn’t a pause. It’s preparation.

You’re not behind. You’re not broken. You’re becoming.

And maybe — just maybe — the love that once passed you by didn’t fail because it wasn’t real, but because you weren’t ready to hold it the way it deserved to be held. That doesn’t make you unworthy. It just means your healing has purpose now. And if love comes again — in whatever form God sees fit — may you meet it with open hands, not closed fists.

Because the next time, you won’t be surviving it.

You’ll be ready for it.