The Who That's Behind Healing Avoidant

There’s a moment in every journey when you either keep running or finally stop to face what you’ve been avoiding your whole life. For me, that moment came too late to save what I cherished most. But it wasn’t too late to change.

I started this Healing Avoidant journey because of her. She was the reason. Not because I lost her—but because I loved her. I didn’t run because I didn’t care. I ran because I was terrified that she’d eventually see the broken parts of me and decide they were too much. I was afraid she’d love my kids, they’d love her back, and then she’d leave—like everyone else had.

Before all this, I used to wear busyness like armor. I’d disappear into work, distractions, or silence—anything that kept me from having to face my own reflection. Vulnerability was weakness. Emotions were inconvenient. I thought I was doing fine, but I was just hiding from the very healing I needed.

But this pain… it hit different. I didn’t distract myself. I didn’t chase another relationship. I sat in the silence—for months—until I finally started listening to God.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." – Psalm 34:18

She’s made it clear she never wants to speak to me again. I’ve tried to own up to my faults. I’ve done a tremendous amount of work—not to win her back, but because I needed to. For me. For my kids. For whoever God places in my life next. Through renewed faith and therapy, I’ve begun unraveling the deep-rooted trauma from my childhood. And it’s changing me.

I was told I completely shattered this woman—and I know that I did. I feel the weight of that pain every day. She said she’s tired of the next woman getting a better version of the man she loved, the man who didn’t love or want her enough. I tried, in the only way I knew how, to acknowledge her grief, her anger, her heartbreak. I told her the truth: I didn’t start doing this work for another woman. I started it because of her. Because she deserved the man I’ve become—the man who now knows how to love without fear. Because she is worthy of love. Of the kind of love I now know how to give.

I’ve been told I still don’t know who she is. That I caused all of this. That she overlooked so much in the four years we were together. That she has no desire to go back to something that didn’t work for her. But she's wrong. I do know who she is. I’ve prayed for her endlessly—prayed that God would speak to her, soften her heart. Not for me, but for her own peace.

Because I know I’m not the only avoidant here.

She’s done the work. She’s built walls and trained herself to be strong, to cut off those who hurt her. To never forgive. To never let people be human and flawed.

And funny enough—it was those very things that made me fall for her in the first place. Her pride. Her conviction. Her strength. But now I see them for what they really are: masks. Protection. Survival. I know, because I did it too. But I don’t blame her one bit. I know her story—every part of it. I also know that I added to that pain exponentially. I didn’t protect her. I didn’t grow with her. I didn’t love her in the way she needed—because I didn’t know how.

Love isn’t as simple as “If he wanted to, he would.” Without the tools and without God, I was completely lost. But I thought I was doing just fine.

I’m not living that way anymore.

I’ve looked my demons in the eye. I’ve laid down my pride and bowed before God. I’ve looked in the mirror and finally said, “That’s enough.” I’m not that man anymore.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind." – Romans 12:2

To quote the great Taylor Swift—with a little tweak—“The old me can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Because he’s dead.” And while he’s not truly gone—he still exists in my past—I no longer run from him. I’ve accepted him. Because without him, I wouldn’t be standing in the healing I am today.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." – 2 Corinthians 5:17

This journey started with her. And it might end without her. But it was worth it. Because she was worth it.

And now, so am I.

She’ll probably never see this—because of the boundaries she’s set. And I’m respecting her words: “Please respect my decisions. We aren’t friends. Stop reaching out. This chapter is closed.”

I didn’t start Healing Avoidant with hopes that she’d see it. I started it for me. As part of my healing. But maybe—just maybe—it will help one person out there understand. Whether they’re the avoidant or the one left behind.

Sometimes, we really do love you enough to want to change. And sometimes, the only thing keeping the next woman from getting the version you deserved—was you.

That’s something I will carry with me forever.

Because this journey is dedicated to her.

Because she deserves it, even if I'm not part of hers anymore.

I won’t stop my journey. Not now, not ever. And if you ever do find this and wonder if I still think about you, if your words pushed me away—they didn’t. I just fully see you, respect you, and love you enough to honor your wishes. You deserve all the happiness and love that you give, and I pray you find it one day. Until then, I’ll be here, loving you from afar—because you are worth it.

"Let all that you do be done in love." – 1 Corinthians 16:14